An Age Of Loss

There things that will never return, feelings lost that will never be there again, people lost, gone from my life forever, stolen from me through time, and it's friends, Illness, Ageing, Cancer.... They left and took with them the purest love, my past, the person I had once been....
I have been so much in my small life, in my small time on this planet..... I am but a mistake, an accident, born to a fool and a liar, lucky to have grown love, to have grown in a loving family.....
Sometimes I wish my days ended there. That I left first, not being left behind to cry bitterly for them.....
The thought is selfish but there you have me, I am eternally selfish... were it not for the children, were it not because I can not see them hurt like I did, like I am, my days would have ended a long time ago......
I can't recall the last time I told them I loved them so much...

from the silent father who did all he could but feared losing another family, never pushing further for me, I remember the arguments, the days spent chasing for his attention, reading his books, listening to his music... talking to him yet never saying what I needed to say.... how can you waste a lifetime talking but never saying anything meaningless? I lost him, I lost my father, the one I loved so much, the one I thought of daily, I lost him and never told him how much I loved him... and love him I did so desperately....
My Grand Father with whom I'd sit watching concerts upon concerts, we shared a passion for music, I sat silently through operas I didn't understand, the man who left retirement to work so that I'd never grown needing to wait for anything.... this man who smiled at me every day, the one who'd reason with me when I was arguing with my Nan, the man who'd tell me how beautiful I was, such a wonderful liar, such a sweet heart, beautiful soul.... He left a broken promise on his heart.....
My Grand Mother, the one I love as my Mother... this woman smaller than me, the one who sat near me in 1993, thinking I was dying, crying. She sat near me, I could feel her, I could hear her..... chocking on her words, as she begged to a "God" of stone crucified on a wooden cross above my head for her darling baby not to leave her.... The one woman who hid her tears when I left home three years later... this woman for whom I chose to live....
Before they took her to her coffin on February 3rd this year, I sat by her as she lay on the same bed she begged for me, I sat looking at her. My uncle placed that statuette in her hands, I asked him why taking her now... why not keep her a day a two more... why taking her too, I didn't get to thank her, to tell her I loved her, I never got to break that rule.... I never got to call her my mother... I sat looking at her, I don't need a mirror to know I am like her, I know....

They were taken from me, with little notice, no chance to run to them, to tell them how much I loved them... they left me with him... him for whom I, by the time the first passed, had no love, no respect, no need for..... him who promised and promised, he who showed me not all promises are equal... him who made promises a way to calm down the storms.
All that you've found of me, is a result of a promise of mine... I promised that if I was to bury the last without seeing her alive, I'd never forgive the promises made and broken, those promises made under the name of God.... a God I pray to.... a God, I am still willing to believe in..... to pray too.... the same God my Nan kept on his cross, the one some call the Father, Allah, Jehova... call Him what you will.... it is under His name... that I allowed my life to be taken, crumpled and spat at.... under His name I kept going.... His will, His promises, Him.......Men have stood, worked, fought and failed with His name in their lips.... and a man stole my life, my hopes and my dreams with His name......
He knew long ago that I would go... he knew I would.....
None of the beatings, the money he took and never gave back, even him forcing me, none of it will ever equal this feeling.... the feeling of being alone, the loss, the pain.... knowing that he did very little to help me through it, the promises broken, the times he demanded that I choke it up and do my work.....
This morning I remember my first coherent thought was a promise made to me yesterday through a message... I have no reason to doubt the one making the promise, but I have all the reason to doubt the realisation of it.... you tell me then if you read this, you who promised so well... when you've been promised to throughout 14 yrs, you've had your pride broken, your heart torn to shreds, your soul set ablaze and let to die slowly in the small fire of hatred and jealousy, how could I ever feel again?
Still thank you...