Leaving Her

It had been a stormy day grey, cold and windy

August fury as the water raged upon the sand,

As they left to eat and drink I sad under the rain,

Watching the waters barely resisting the urge.

If I was to live, I had to go, I had to leave her behind.

I'd have to leave her, keep the memory in my heart,

The salty air, the grainy sand and her beautiful motion,

If I chose life I had to leave her behind, I couldn't keep her.

My mind was swirling with thoughts of another option,

I could still hear them laugh faintly behind me,

So I sad quietly, my mind and heart weeping with the pain....

Knowing it was living with her away or die with her around me.....

Getting up, I cleared my mind, thinking of nothing,

Walking towards her was my only goal,

One last dip in the cold salty waters of her massiveness,

If she took me I'd not have to miss no one, I'd be there forever....

Savouring the sounds of her lapping waters around the shore,

There was little to keep me back, just the urge winning,

I only wanted another to feel the frozen frothy waters

To either dwell there forever or remember her in her splendour.

I had grown up with her and the pines as my background,

The raging water and the rustling pines needles songs as my lullabies,

And to live on I had to let them go, to leave them behind

It seemed such a shame, it hurt my heart to detach myself from what I loved so....

I reached the water, it came rushing to me with a welcoming hug,

The cold embracing my toes with all their loving touching,

I turned back to look on the few pines around, the dunes....

Masses of sand and trees, and I walked in slowly....

I walked on and on, pushing against her refusal to let me in,

Letting my legs drop me in, I drew one last breath,

It was only a second of tossing me about in her icy hold

And she spat me out in a huge wave, leaving me crying on the sand.....

It was that I had to go, leave her and them all behind,

And I cried as I knew I would never feel her on my skin again,

It pained to know that I couldn't remain there,

Life chose me and it didn't care that I chose her.

So I left behind my beautiful Atlantic Ocean,

with her icy, wilful waves, her soft golden sand,

I abandoned the pine forest of my childhood,

Their morning rustling still singing in my heart,

All to remain in my pain ridden heart to sing for me at night.

MCN: CGFJH-YCXXK-CR4VB

Raining Illusion

The sound of the rain tapping on the window

Rhythmic, playful to my lonely ear,

Sorrows engulfing with sadness my poor heart,

I feel the air rushing against my skin,

As if you were there breathing against my neck

Yet I know you are not there, you have never been...

Each drop of water falling to it's ultimate death

Reminds me of the seconds lost in your absence,

Watching me lose sense of my own precious life

Hours spent wishing you would be there with me,

Hoping I could take care of you and bring happiness

A life time meant for a purpose lost to the rain outside.

Such is the following of my soul along the raindrops,

Wishing and hoping for something that will never be,

Living life as it it is meant to be revolving around me,

Yet in my head and in my heart, it is not the way....

But knowing that fantasies are often drawn up

And blown apart, I will not voice it, but only dream.....

Life is but hearts pumping in our chests strong or weak,

A mind running around these heads of ours trying hard,

To find reason in the whims of the heart while it cries,

Yet in the best of world, my heart would rule over me

Bring in the fold of that life of mine your heart to care for

And my mind would rejoice of your presence with me....

But all is just a mere dream, sadness and loneliness reign,

Love is but the illusion of my soul crying out for one like you,

The aching of a longing heart for the touch of another,

Yet in this irreverent view of life and love I seek

To live through the ideals of it, searching slowly and sweetly

For completion of a purpose so worthy yet unfulfilled.

MCN: CHJMH-77VK1-TYH2E

A Sandman's Dedication

I see him days and nights amongst us yet aside,

A soul who for the world nonsense can not abide,

A heart failing him yet not those he, in himself, does love,

Him the man of this world seeking nought from Him above.

Haunted is he like so many of us by a reality dark,

All the while in us he leaves his indelible mark,

Maybe has he not seen with what beauty his soul shines

Him, another one I will not share, a friend I call mine.

Privileged are we to count him in our lives, dear,

How I wish I could have him closer, so near,

While we joke and exchange pleasantries aplenty,

And I plead with life to show him respite, some mercy....

I plead for his heart to beat on for him, for me,

As life and love is selfish, I pray for what I can not see

But hope for desperately, for him only, my dear friend,

Oh the riddles and pain of life in our way til the end....

MCN: CCYMC-4B1J8-42VJH

To The Sandman 1

I wish I could hold you in my arms,

Make the tears dry with my love,

My friend, you are too precious

To let life break your spirit so....

You are, my friend, a wonder,

To make a sad one smile each morning,

Kind and warm with no failing,

Your own sadness we must conquer....

I wish for you the strength of the world,

in winning the fight with your heart,

I wish for you all the love in mankind,

And for this I give you all of mine......

Sometimes we find our souls tested

With all the strength our minds can muster,

We feel ourself at the tether's end,

Yet with our friends' help we can go further.

I am here for you any time you need me,

Just give me a buzz and I'll awake,

You know nothing for you will be too much,

Because I love you my friend.

So smile my beautiful friend,

Smile because tomorrow will come,

You have my virtual hand

To hold yours along the way.....

Lost in a maze of confusion

There are day when I wish I wasn't there,
Days when I wish I was cold, lost feelings,
Some feelings barely worth the time to air,
Devoid of sense, to me factuals, lacking meanings.....

I am but a lonely person in a sea of friends,
Hoping one day my heart will learn that pain 
Is the lot of those to whom deep love happens
Love without being in love, but love it will remain....

Dragging myself through days full of nonsense,
Sometimes happy, sometimes ever so sad,
Some days wishing I wasn't both, just something else,
Just wishing sometimes I wasn't feeling so bad.

Hoping for that feeling of nothing to engulf me, 
Give a blind eye to what is aroud me affecting my days
Live like those who care or love not, those with no pity
Just for a minute, to have a break, just for the day....

Sorrowful cut

Sitting here in pools of tears,

Inexplicably feeling the weight, sad,

Facing others pain, my fears,

I shouldn't be talking to people, my bad.

I should stay alone, there is no harm

In that option, yet solitude would be mine,

I'd play then endlessly in her open arms

Offering me more of that dreaded time....

Oh I am angry beyond my capacity,

I needed release I needed an end,

Drama I do not need but stability,

All I need to hold me up is a friend....

But it is too late now,

No matter how many reach me,

It is there, swollen, shallow

And still my mind aches, I wish I was empty.

The Tale of a Poet Young

Tell the tale of the poet young,

Whose words pierce memories once buried,

While is pain is nothing but strong

Akin to the sorrow keeping the story teller worried.

Tell of a smile screening from humanity

Wound too deep to voice out loud,

Invading the Teller's night with clarity

With words of silence that life chose to shroud.

Tell a tale of beauty blind and bright,

Through language yet to be spoken,

A heart of gold aching with all it's might,

Keeping the Teller forever smitten.

MCN: CLAXP-C4L4Q-18BPS

shattered being

I dropped it... let it fall to the ground,

My mind, shattered in millions of pieces,

Letting out thoughts buried within....

Feelings I'd hoped vanquished,

Hours gone, bitter tears past,

I'd thought them gone, dead,

They do not belong with me,

I do not want them.....

Isolated, alone and empty,

I'd prayed my poor soul,

No longer would bleed,

Yet here it is,

Splattered across the floor of my poor self,

In pools of tears, seeking the blood,

Crying louder than my head can stand,

Longer than my heart can take....

I sit and watch as they both await,

An end, some way, somehow....

May it be soon or later,

With the pain going, the tears drying,

Lifeless, soulless, a mind at rest,

Silence, feel free, blissful ending,

When all goes on

and forgotten I will be

MCN: CBSGG-SGSL8-HPPY8

Meeting The End Of Me

Time and again from me she took,

Days of tears, Nights of blood,

Yet she comes relentless for me,

Demanding that I pour forth

The tears I kept dear.....

It is not for death that I long for,

But to take hold of my life back,

Days of smile and Nights of happiness,

No more lying, no more hiding,

Let there be some end... any end....

Seasons of pain for no reasons,

Just raw feeling, soreness from thinking,

It is but a cut away, the release, the end....

To cut lose from it all,

No more pain, no more tears....

No more trying so hard for happiness

Never to come, to accomplish...

Letting it all flow away from me,

Watching it come slow as time,

Finally meeting the end, the end of me.

MCN: C9PMG-U7VBQ-RAMST

An Age Of Loss

There things that will never return, feelings lost that will never be there again, people lost, gone from my life forever, stolen from me through time, and it's friends, Illness, Ageing, Cancer.... They left and took with them the purest love, my past, the person I had once been....
I have been so much in my small life, in my small time on this planet..... I am but a mistake, an accident, born to a fool and a liar, lucky to have grown love, to have grown in a loving family.....
Sometimes I wish my days ended there. That I left first, not being left behind to cry bitterly for them.....
The thought is selfish but there you have me, I am eternally selfish... were it not for the children, were it not because I can not see them hurt like I did, like I am, my days would have ended a long time ago......
I can't recall the last time I told them I loved them so much...

from the silent father who did all he could but feared losing another family, never pushing further for me, I remember the arguments, the days spent chasing for his attention, reading his books, listening to his music... talking to him yet never saying what I needed to say.... how can you waste a lifetime talking but never saying anything meaningless? I lost him, I lost my father, the one I loved so much, the one I thought of daily, I lost him and never told him how much I loved him... and love him I did so desperately....
My Grand Father with whom I'd sit watching concerts upon concerts, we shared a passion for music, I sat silently through operas I didn't understand, the man who left retirement to work so that I'd never grown needing to wait for anything.... this man who smiled at me every day, the one who'd reason with me when I was arguing with my Nan, the man who'd tell me how beautiful I was, such a wonderful liar, such a sweet heart, beautiful soul.... He left a broken promise on his heart.....
My Grand Mother, the one I love as my Mother... this woman smaller than me, the one who sat near me in 1993, thinking I was dying, crying. She sat near me, I could feel her, I could hear her..... chocking on her words, as she begged to a "God" of stone crucified on a wooden cross above my head for her darling baby not to leave her.... The one woman who hid her tears when I left home three years later... this woman for whom I chose to live....
Before they took her to her coffin on February 3rd this year, I sat by her as she lay on the same bed she begged for me, I sat looking at her. My uncle placed that statuette in her hands, I asked him why taking her now... why not keep her a day a two more... why taking her too, I didn't get to thank her, to tell her I loved her, I never got to break that rule.... I never got to call her my mother... I sat looking at her, I don't need a mirror to know I am like her, I know....

They were taken from me, with little notice, no chance to run to them, to tell them how much I loved them... they left me with him... him for whom I, by the time the first passed, had no love, no respect, no need for..... him who promised and promised, he who showed me not all promises are equal... him who made promises a way to calm down the storms.
All that you've found of me, is a result of a promise of mine... I promised that if I was to bury the last without seeing her alive, I'd never forgive the promises made and broken, those promises made under the name of God.... a God I pray to.... a God, I am still willing to believe in..... to pray too.... the same God my Nan kept on his cross, the one some call the Father, Allah, Jehova... call Him what you will.... it is under His name... that I allowed my life to be taken, crumpled and spat at.... under His name I kept going.... His will, His promises, Him.......Men have stood, worked, fought and failed with His name in their lips.... and a man stole my life, my hopes and my dreams with His name......
He knew long ago that I would go... he knew I would.....
None of the beatings, the money he took and never gave back, even him forcing me, none of it will ever equal this feeling.... the feeling of being alone, the loss, the pain.... knowing that he did very little to help me through it, the promises broken, the times he demanded that I choke it up and do my work.....
This morning I remember my first coherent thought was a promise made to me yesterday through a message... I have no reason to doubt the one making the promise, but I have all the reason to doubt the realisation of it.... you tell me then if you read this, you who promised so well... when you've been promised to throughout 14 yrs, you've had your pride broken, your heart torn to shreds, your soul set ablaze and let to die slowly in the small fire of hatred and jealousy, how could I ever feel again?
Still thank you...

In The Dark Of Night

Dark speckled night, with small lanterns of gold,

Recount the tales of my sorrows of old,

Sing the praises of a broken heart,

Of a life shattered, a soul broken apart,

Oh lull my mind of the memories past,

Bring it moments that will forever last......

Can you not but leave my soul alone,

Free of all the ills ever shared, ever done?

Spare me for once the ever lasting pain,

Let me taste of the fruits of happiness again.....

I know it won't be the same, I know I must just try,

This one must be free, it must be free to fly....

I can see, I can taste but I can not touch,

Yet the temptations are at time so much,

To want to throw my cautions in the air,

To let myself par aventure feel life fair.

But it is in you I seek counsel cruel night,

In your beauty and wisdom hoping you will know right.

Dreaming Away

Dreaming away of a time in our world history

where there'll be the Utopia dreamed by so many....

Dreaming away of a time when our vision

is no longer warped by the realisations of difference.

Dreaming away of the time when equality

will not be made of mockery of.

Dreaming away of when we are no longer treating

our fellow human lower than ourselves....

Dreaming away.....

of the day I will see all races and faith sharing the bread

they earned from their own hands, hard worked for.

I dream away of a time when we all smile at each other,

Seeing in our fellow the child of Adam like ourselves,

I dream away of the time when love will flow free....

I dream away......

Can you not see? Can you not feel?

Should you be in a desert, walking alongside the black man strong and faithful,

you the white man, so full of his race and himself....

Would you not share your water with him who is your companion

Like you'd want him to do so with you?

And should you be alone in a cold cellar, locked in and fearful,

you the sinful minded Arab, cold and God fearing...

Would you share you warm woollen mantle like you'd wish he'd do with you?

I've only chosen the typical form of racism,

But Oh God do I dream for all this to stop!

Like many of us, my best friend is the same race and faith as me, but we both have friends from all over the world, all walks of life, all ages, all wealth, health, all sorts and I love the variety, the lessons I can draw from all those I encounter, the love shared, the experiences shared, the beauty of the love passing from hug, handshake, words share.....

People! It is your choice to slowly stop the rise in negativity, starting with yourself, or to hold it close to your heart... If you so wish to continue, by all means do.. but do so away from me.

Have you?

Have you ever loved....

Only for that, loving.

Nothing physical, nothing to obtain

Just the feeling of loving

Knowing that when you smile

It is true happiness....

Nothing physical, nothing obtained

but the satisfaction....

Have you?

Did you ever do something

Only for the pleasure of their happiness...

Stayed up brewing that thought over,

Born from pure love,

Nothing physical, nothing to obtain,

Just the flutter of knowing ,

You made that day special

and made that heart smile...

Have you?

I have, I am....

Hopeless Hopefull

Hopeless hopeful

Where there is life, there is hope,
I won't give up, won't give in.....

Mistakes big or small we all make,
Hurting along the way those we love, we respect,

You may ignore me all you want,
Along the way, I'll cry many times.

Not for what you are doing, saying,
But because I lost something precious.

You have it and won't give it back,
I'll wait, but won't stop trying....

If I look selfish, I'm sorry,
Shoot me for wanting my friend back.

I'm not sorry for being stubborn,
I'm sorry for not seeing your hurting,

I'm remorseful for my mistakes,
My selfishness and my anger......

For not seeing your pain, for forgetting this day,
For losing sight of the importance of a friend....

You may ignore me but I won't do that anymore,
I'll wait on the sides, crying my way along.

Please note: No schloeraddict was harmed in the making of this piece!

Life On Hold

You took my youthful mind,

you stole my happiness....

You made me hide my smile

Under a sad cloak of pain,

Made my home my cage,

Never let me feel as if I could walk away,

Each night you lay next to me,

I'd pray you'd breath your last,

I'd spend each prayer crying for you to leave...

How many mistakes did I need to make?

All the debts I'm left to deal with,

all the scars I have to face,

Each time I'd hide in the bathroom.....

What did you think I was doing there?

When a woman is ready to lie

to keep her husband away from her,

there's something wrong in the marriage....

When she cuts at night hidden in the bathroom.

The people saw and they thought it odd...

I chat to strangers but I am silent to those closest,

The knew I had no proper freedom, no free will,

Yet the community ignore the effects of it all on me....

They blamed all on me, all was my fault,

Me the bad woman, the angry one

Why not resist, why not rebel?

They didn't see what happened when I did so.....

None but one was there when hardship came,

none cared if I lived or did except that very person,

They'd see me cry, ignore me and move away.....

Times have changed, people went....

People around me, mostly care,

Outside or here, there's always someone here,

Some soul or heart to smile at me,

Bring a bit of hope to my battered heart.

I want to thank you all here,

And to thank Maxi,

the best friend I have ever had.

Life is good when you know someone somewhere cares.

No Trademarks to Hurting

Lifetimes of mistakes,

words of wisdom wasted,

helping hands squandered,

Laying around scattered.....

Moments of anger destroying,

Selfish intents

and

blind rage.....

Loss incomparable,

Feelings lost and twisted,

You are not the only one aching....

There is no trademark to hurting.

Your childhood couldn't shape

the man you are now,

the love distilled in disregard...

You are lost in your pain.

Wake up to reality,

Look around you,

Everyone has felt this once,

There is no trademark to hurting.

See the sun rising in your life

Remember the past flows away,

Forget the pain we caused each other,

There is no trademark to hurting.

Ode (bilingual)

A kiss as sweet as honey,

A caress as soft as silk,

A feeling as strong as steel,

A body burning like a volcano....

Come, come to rescue me....

Un baiser aussi doux que le miel,

Une caresse aussi legere que la soie,

Une emotion qui brule comme un volcan,

Viens, Viens me sauver.....

Deliver me from the ties of my clothing,

Free me from the pains of missing you,

Bring with you this ancient feeling,

Trap me with your embrace,

Free, Free me from my desires.....

Delivres moi des liens de mes vetements,

Liberes moi de la souffrance du manque de toi,

Amenes avec toi ce sentiment ancien,

Pieges moi dans tes bras,

Liberes, liberes moi de mes desires.....

How many ignored fires reborn from the shadows of my heart

Left untouched, thirst for you unquenched,

How long will you let me suffer like this,

Burning with desires unveiled, hidden,

Come, Free me, Take... Take me for you.

Combien de feux ignores surgis des ombres de mon coeur,

Laisses sans etre touches, soif de toi laissees a jamais,

Combien de temps vas tu me laisser souffrir ainsi,

Brulant de desires couverts, caches,

Viens, Liberes moi, prends... Prends moi pour toi.

Cover my body with your kisses, as soft and sweet as honey,

Let my mind run wild amongst the forest fires of my desires,

Let the exotic birds of our emotions fly together and mutate in one,

Fireworks and fire, for the night, for the time being.....

Come, let me lead you to this unexplored space, take me for all my desires...

Couvres mon corps de tes baisers si doux et tendre comme le miel,

Laisses mon esprit sauvage courir le long des feux de la foret de mes desires,

Laissons les oiseaux exotic de nos emotions voler ensembles et melanger en un,

Feux d'artifices et feux, pour la nuit, pour ce moment.....

Viens, laisses moi te mener dans cet espace peu explore, prends moi pour tout mes desires....

Of Rough Desires

Loving completion of the process of affection,

Or plain rough ending of attraction

There is always going to be the way of the heart

Depending on the levels of desire,

Whether you are a commoner, an English Rose,

The rif raf of the lot, the Gentleman.....

It's bound to get dirty at some point.....

Fabulous how what the eyes sees and the mind likes,

Must be gotten by the heart and the body....

The delicious reaction to the touch,

The breathing patterns, the softness...

It's the sweet illusion of needing

The electricity, the warmth,

In the cheekiness, leading to actions

One would have never believed ever to be done

All of it comes from within,

Delivering the element of ecstasy,

The elixir of desires untold,

To be unfolded within the arms of lovers....

Lips on lips, softer start to the rocking human fantasies,

Wet and warm, liberally corrupting the dry flames

The shattering of the innocent glass panes of our daily lives....

What began from a simple wish from the heart

Is to become a physical acceptance....

By all means touch, kiss, lick me,

Undress me, unfold the unknown,

Drive me wild and enjoy the show,

Allow me the same pleasure,

Let me take my place in the night

Lips on lips , skin on skin

Button at a time, I will drive you insane

While you tease, I'll please,

When comes your turn to control,

I promise you will have my submission,

With deplorable obsession,

With unashamed wilful lust

Let the rough games begin,

Your love is an absolute must,

Your needs and desires are not enough,

We must make tonight a moment in our history,

Love so much, so deep, dare I say so hard,

That the bedsheets will bear witness to us in the morning,

Bring about the beasts of our desires,

Break the picture perfect seems of our realities,

But kiss me first, yes kiss me...

Wherever you wish, whatever pleases you....

Just come to me, let's make this our private party

Let there not be an ending just yet.

Bring on the explosions of feelings,

Sheer touch, skin, lips, bodies,

Pure exhilaration in the midst of passion

Feverish seconds, leading to long rough moment,

Minutes of physical giving,

Sweaty sweet hours where the longing ends,

Silent promises of tender punishements

Blissful ending of eternal longing...

The orgasmic array of nerve twitching feelings

The raw fleshy desires,

Restless display of the roughest kind

Oh how love making can be so freeing to the mind!

Ssssshhhh... sadly all has an end,

This shall be our secret, our lovely secret,

I know of passions untold,

As lovers together let their love unfold.

Laurence Ramos

20/09/2011